This has been one heck of a week. If anyone even has the slightest thought that I have it all together, this week would be a great example of how I DON’T have it all together at all.
Have you read Ann Voskamp’s new book, The Broken Way? I just finished it this week and the only way I can explain it is it wrecked me. I’m not sure yet if it was in a good way or bad way, I’ll let you know when I figure it out. If you want to take a look at it, you can check it out here.
I had a kind of slow week at work this week, so I was reading during my slow times. It was rather embarrassing a few times when I had to quickly wipe away tears when someone would walk into my office. I can’t remember when I’ve cried so much while reading a book.
There were just so many things that spoke to me in that book. I know I’m broken, there’s no doubt about that, but when I read her book I realized it goes way beyond what i thought. I have spent so many years building walls, I don’t even realize I have walls anymore. They just are there, quietly protecting me from pain and real life and any kind of real love and enjoyment that you get out of those things. I have spent so much time trying to protect myself from getting hurt that I have found that I have protected myself into a corner. A corner of loneliness and discouragement. You might not notice it when you talk to me, but it’s there, quietly hiding under the surface, just waiting for the right moment to hijack my life.
That right moment came yesterday when the reality of a letter I received two weeks ago became larger than life. Unexpected financial struggles came into clear view and I wasn’t ready for it. I thought I was going to have more time to plan for it, but as life does, it threw me a curve ball. Oh, I’m not losing my house or anything, but things are going to be tighter and I’ll just be honest, I’d kind of gotten use to having that little extra padding when I wanted to do something special.
So, what do you do when you have something unexpected show up in your life? Me, I have a melt down, mostly because I’ve been holding in all the stress and anxiety of life for a really long time…pretending it’s not there. You can pretend you’re not worried if you want to, that’s not the same as having faith. After my meltdown, I calmed down and tried to look at things a little more rationally. I was going to have to be more careful, more intentional. I was going to have to live in the real world now, the one I’ve been protecting myself from for so long.
I went to a Zumbathon last night, because I know that when I go to Zumba, everything just kind of melts away and I can see a little more clearly. The last song we did was the new song by Mercy Me…Even If. If you’ve never heard that song, you definitely need to listen to it.
This song speaks volumes to me. I feel like a big baby when I complain about my small issues when I know there are others out there who are so much worse off than me. I feel spoiled and selfish.
I’m not one of those bloggers out there who has all kinds of sweet answers for everything and I’ve been there, done that and came out on the other side victorious. Most days I look at the clock at 9:00 pm and think “I’ve done nothing I planned to do today! ugh!” Yeah, I’m broken. I’m not so good at sharing my broken side, I feel like most people don’t want to see you broken, they want to see you fixed so you can show them how to be fixed, too. But I’m not fixed.
Here’s my answer to that.
JESUS, every day, every minute. It’s all I’ve got. I don’t know how in any reality I would be able to survive without my relationship with him. I don’t do law, I don’t do rules, I don’t do performance…anymore…I just look to him and beg for answers. And usually I look to him and beg for answers after I’ve already exhausted all of my own ideas and I’ve had a meltdown. But you know what? He’s always there. He’s ALWAYS there. Why can’t I remember that when I’m in the middle of a so-called crisis and not have the meltdown? I don’t know, but what I do know is if you’re looking for perfection, you won’t find it here.
If you’re looking for someone whose ready to be open with their broken, messed up life, you’ve come to the right place. And hopefully you’re ready to be open with your broken, messed up life, too.