I’m feeling pretty damn good right now. Maybe it was the two hours of zumba this morning for a good cause, with just a couple of breaks for a quick drink of water. Maybe it’s because I got two compliments from complete strangers on my outfit (the one I wore for zumba and then went to Lowe’s). Maybe it’s because I’ve gained a ton of confidence in the last eight months or so. I’m not entirely sure why I feel good, but I like it.
I’m not saying my life is devoid of frustration, struggles, aggravation and heartaches, that is far from the truth. I am saying that somehow in the last little while I’ve figured a few things out. One…I am not ok all the time, but that’s ok. Two…it’s ok to feel good about myself. Three….I don’t need any particular person, ie. spouse, friend, child to make me feel loved. Let’s face it, if you’re counting on any of them, you’re probably going to be disappointed. I’ve figured out that I am loved regardless of what I look like, what I feel like or what I’ve been doing. That’s pretty important to me, because I’ve spent a good share of my life doing what I thought other people expected of me so they would love me. Not anymore.
I figured out something else, too. I feel pretty damn good about what I look like, especially lately… in bright colors. I’ve spent a lot of my life wearing drab colors and trying to blend in, trying to stay on the outside edge where no one will really notice me. Somehow I thought that was protecting myself and other people. My grandmother used to say that the women in her church were too drab, she loved color. In that way, I think I’m becoming more like her. If someone doesn’t like the fact that I LOVE tie dye, or that I’m learning to love the brighter colors, too bad! I’ve also learned that if you take your picture from above you look a lot better. 🙂
I have to give credit where it’s due. I started going to zumba around 8 months ago. My sister in law kept asking me to go, but I was afraid. I was afraid people would see how I have no rhythm, or that I was uncoordinated and they would laugh at me. Eight months ago that would have destroyed me. But, I finally decided to go. I wanted to do something that was just for me. So, I went and I actually loved it. I couldn’t do most of the moves, I was behind most everyone there and I probably looked ridiculous, but not one person laughed at me. That meant more to me than the exercise. And people seemed like they were open, caring and real, and I needed that, too. My confidence has been building all this time. The more I go to zumba, the more I learn how to do the moves, the better I feel about going. I’ve met so many awesome ladies that I have become friends with that I wouldn’t even attempt to name them all.
The point I’m trying to make is this. I’ve pretty much weighed the same for the last sixteen years, but until just the last eight months I have been self conscious, uncomfortable in my own skin and pretty much not feeling pretty or attractive at all. Today I can honestly say I feel good about myself. I am starting to actually enjoy exercise, especially zumba, and I am feeling stronger, prettier, and healthier. The truth is, I feel pretty damn good.